Sinus, What?

Since I can remember, I have been plagued with sinus infections. Once in the fall and then again in the spring. This year's hit me while I was not on guard. Usually I ingest raw honey made from the region. One tablespoon full, once a day, till the jar is gone, and you're done. It licks it before it can even begin.

Smart man here, heard that you can beat a sinus infection all on your own. SURPRISE! It's not true. Once that thing has got a hold of you, it will not let you go until you can't go on. Doc gave me a lot of penicillin, and today, I'm good to go. 875 milligrams a tab, 2 tabs twice daily for 10 days!

Which brings me to the issue at hand. The last week or so, I've got in my head that I was dying, again. Made arrangements with a neighbor to take care of Ron when I go. Arrangements for the cats and dog, that I should not be hooked up to machines to keep me going, and what to do with my ashes.

For those that don't know, I've already died once and was sent back. I really want to return. Peace, love, and no pain. No memories of the past, no fears of the future? Sign me up. But, it doesn't happen. I sit here, get very sick, and then I get better. Why do I get better? Why can't I just let go? Why won't they come back for me? Is anyone listening???

This is what happened to me that night in Oct, right after Sept. 11th, 2001...

I got very sick. My temperature fluctuated from 102 to 103. Tylenol was bringing it down to 101, but shortly it would return. That means, to the doc or hospital I'm bound. The doc recommended the hospital, so off Ron and I went.

By this time, I was so tired, my head was pounding, every muscle in my body was aching so bad it hurt to move. I was admitted immediately after a spinal tap, with Viral, Spinal Meningitis. Meningitis? Where the hell did I get that?

I was in the care of Medical City Hospital where I'm on a 1st name basis with all the doctors and nurses that practice medicine there. I was in for about 3 to 4 days until they released me. When I returned home, blankets had to be put over my bedroom window, TV had to be turned down to where only Gretchen could here it. To tell you how bad I hurt, I had a remote to the TV just out of my reach on the bed. I was in so much pain that I couldn't stretch out and grab the dang thing to change the channels. I laid there for hours with a BORING kennel show on the tube until my best friend and 2nd in command over my estate came over. 1st thing out of his mouth was, 'Is there anything I can do or get for you? I quickly screamed at him, "Turn the damn channel!' He chuckled and handed me the remote. At last, no more dogs!!!

Later that evening Ron came home. He fed me, watered me like the dogs I had been listening to all day, gave me a couple of pain killers that felt like baby aspirin, and tucked me in for the night. He crawled in next to me and then it started; that horrible snoring of his. 'Like a battleship coming into port. The sound that was coming out of his mouth was excruciating. It hurt everything and every part of me. I gently shook him awake and told him to get the hell out! I explained to him, grumpily, that the sound that omitted from his mouth was killing me. He quickly left the room and as I heard him lightly start to snore from the guest bedroom that's when it happened. LIGHTS OUT!

I was traveling down a long, black tunnel. I arrived to be standing on a black column, in a dense forest. Around the column was a "crop circle" cut into the trees that outlined the platform. In the distance I could hear a train softly rolling on its tracks. Funny, there's no trains or tracks in Las Colinas where we lived. But, alas, the sound was still there. I was very tired, so I laid down on the column and curled up in the fetal position. But, the sound remained. And, it grew louder.

Just so that you know, that was 2001, long before I moved to Chicago. Long before I had ever heard of the EL, much less experienced it! As the train sound grew louder, sleepily, I stood up from the platform to see what the hell was coming at me. The sound grew louder and louder, almost deafening, and then as this black ship sort of thing whooshed past me, it stopped about 50 feet from the column. I can still feel the air it created blowing through my hair as if I'm standing too close on the platform when the EL arrives.

The ship/engine looked like the Land Cruiser of the Jawas from the original Star Wars. WOW! Being the curious/nosey person I am, I had to see what it was. I jumped down, I think maybe 10 feet to the ground to investigate. There were turnstiles, just like Six Flags over Texas leading up to this gargantuan, black engine. The door was open to it, but it was being guarded by 2 people. 1 was a lovely woman with long, blond hair that seemed to shine like diamonds in the light. Man, she was gorgeous. She definitely put my sexual orientation into question. That question was answered by her partner that was standing beside her. My Goddess, he was gorgeous too. GAYDAR went off. Flashing red lights and horns blowing. Gay! But, he remained silent the whole time.

In my pagan up bringing, we believe that we are born with 2 Spirit Guides. They appear to us as children and grow up as we grow. She told me her name was Hannah and his was Daniel. How biblical! When she spoke, I noticed that her mouth never moved, but I heard every word she had to say. She said, 'We have something to show you.' I explained to her that I wanted to go home and get my partner Ron. She said there wasn't enough time and plus, this was just for me.

I stepped into the ship, with them, and all I remember was the color red. It was on the walls, floors, and ceilings. The door closed behind me. No fear. You know, I've felt being loved before. My mother loves me, my dad, my partner, and all my friends. But, I have never experienced love on this scale, ever! It was all around me. It was an entity all of its own. You breathed it in, you exhaled it. It was in every cell of my body. And as the ship took off, I noticed through the windows that we were no longer on the ground, or on earth for that matter. We were in space within seconds.

In this red room, off to the left, from the front door, were all these people standing there, smiling like they knew me. Only thing different about them was they only existed from the waist up. None of them had legs. So, I guess the word 'standing' was incorrect. Hovering is more like it. I also noticed that all the pain I was in, was no longer with me. The pain from meningitis, and from HIV was gone. All of it.

I saw planets, and yes Saturn has multi-colored rings around it. I saw other moons, other solar systems, plenty of stars, and then there was nothing. We were in a void in space. Darkness. Nothingness. A black hole. But, in this darkness, this void where time had no meaning, there was a light. A giant, all consuming light, brighter than any sun I had just encountered. And, it didn't hurt to look into it, like our own sun does. It was beautiful. The kicker is, It knows your name and calls you. Talk about a black hole? It pulls you in.

I turned to Hannah and asked if I could go and see It. She laughed and said no. She said I was brought out there to arrest my fears of dying. She also said it wasn't my time yet, it was theirs, as she pointed to the figures with no legs. 'That I had something very important to do on earth before I could return. I asked her what that was. She smiled and told me it wasn't up to her to tell me what it was, but which ever road I took, be it the long way around It or straight to It, I would find It. Being hot headed as I am, I blew! 'You mean to tell me you drug me out here in the middle of bum fuck, showed me a light, won't let me go to it, something important to do on earth, won't tell me what it is, and all you can do is stand there and smile at me??? What kinda nonsense is this?' She remained smiling at me, even tho I was cussing up a blue streak, and not too happy. But, the warmth and love of her smile defused me and calmed me down.

Out there in the middle of nothing, I finally realized I hadn't been breathing. Upon that realization, I needed air. I couldn't breathe. I was going to die if I didn't have air. Joke was on me, I was already dead. Hannah put her lovely hand on the wall to my right and a door opened. Inside this very small room was a flat console with a chair in front of it. A window was above the console. The flatness, in front of me, started to take shape as I sat down. As it grew out, it also grew up. Hannah told me she would see me again, soon. And with that the door closed and the mask that appeared from the console attached itself to my face. I thought of the film, Alien, at 1st. But, the mask had air in it. And then darkness fell around me again for the 2nd time.

I was back in the tunnel, and then I felt my bed beneath me. And no pain. Gradually, from a distance, the pain started catching up to me like a long lost friend. Gradually at 1st, then BOOM, full blasted pain. I think I hurt even more this time than before. I laid there thinking about what had just happened to me. 'What was her name,' I kept asking myself? To remember it, I actually thought of all the female cast members to Steel Magnolias. How gay! Dolly Parton. No. Olympia Dukacus. No. Sally Field. No again. Shirley McClain. Still no. Remember, remember. Daryl Hannah. That's it! HANNAH! And then upon remembering it, I'd forget it again. I would recite the entire cast again, before remembering Daryl Hannah. This went on for the rest of the night.

I couldn't wait for Ron to wake up so I could tell him that I died and came back. This is what's waiting for me. Hell, this is what's waiting for all of us, eventually. So, most of the time, when I get sick, I mean very sick, I get scared. But then I start thinking about that faithful night, and between It, and some very good friends, they usually can talk me down, out of the metaphorical tree I'm in!

I was told, also by Hannah, to repeat this story to everyone that I can. She also said some people will deny that I had the experience and others will think I'm a lunatic. But, for some, It will be a story of hope. That's what It is for me. Hope in an everlasting light and life.

I sit on my back porch at anytime of the day when I want to escape. I can hear in the distance the sound of the EL, coming and going from the Morse stop up the street. As you can imagine, that sound is a comfort to me. Its a signal that 1 day they would return to me and take me home. Funny, you never go home, home comes to you!

Well, I guess its time for me to wrap things up and call it a day. This is how I've spent my down time at work today. LOL

Blessed Be!

COLD!

Well, here we are with the taste of summer still lingering in our minds, replaced with visions of freezing temps, coats, scarves, warm socks, hoodies, long sleeves, flannel, wool, beanies, mittens, gloves, and leather. How cruel Mother Nature can be when she puts her mind to it.

Today has been raining on and off, fighting like hell a sinus infection I probably picked up on the EL. Tomorrow, being Friday, more of the same in the morning, but rain will cease in the afternoon. Clouds will remain, says forecasters. And I, like a jackass, will go to work and act like nothing's wrong with me. But, I'm not contagious!

Saturday' s low is going to be 30 degrees. 30 DEGREES IN OCTOBER??? What is this place, Siberia? What the hell did I sign up for when I did it on the dotted line? I thought, Chicago...

Chicago, a land of opportunity. A place where you can be who ever you want to be. Be, anything you want. Sun always shining! (Like hell!) I have become something I would have never dreamed about, in Dallas. Member of the Board of Directors, maybe, at the place I call "my home away from home." 2 Leather titles, and 1 more in the making. Most of all, Ron and I are back together!

He still gets on my last nerve. Talking thru my favorite TV show. Snoring at the top of his lungs when you don't feel good and even when you do. But, no relationship is perfect. I do know that he will be there if anything should go terribly wrong with my health. More than I can say for the rest of the doofusses I've been parading in and out of Vanessa's house, since I moved here. A real pack of goofballs. But, I learned from each one of them.

Staying with someone just because he will be there, I know is not a reason to stay with them. It goes much deeper than that with us. I was explaining it the other day. We have history together. I'm at the point in my life when I don't want to try again. And, I'm not "settling" if that's what you're thinking. Even tho we don't act like it, we both love each other deeply. I know if I needed a kidney, he'd be getting himself tested. He actually told me, when we returned from Indianapolis, that he was proud of me. I wanted to hear those words come out of his mouth for years now!

Well, it's Friday and the weatherman was incorrect, again. Its been pouring all morning, and by the looks of it, the clouds and rain are here to stay the day! I'm in a hoodie, to keep what few hairs on my head dry, and a trench coat over that to keep the rest of me dry and toasty. Welcome to the Big C!

COLD! Its 48 degrees at 2:13 in the afternoon. My Weather Bug says its gonna be in the mid 30's tonight. Where did my summer go? Summer, you know, time for back yard or back porch barbecues, swimming in Lake Michigan, well that's questionable, laughter, outdoor parties, bond fires, marshmallows, fireworks out by the lake causing the sky to light up like Jacob's coat. Biking on the trails beside the lake, tennis, softball, baseball, Go Cubs, (whispering Go Sox), soccer, laying out, movies in the park, Lightning Bugs, even mosquitoes. Where have they all gone? Did I just fall asleep and miss it? Kinda like Rip Van Winkle's slumber? I guess its possible, but to sleep thru a whole season? Tell me this is all an illusion.

Sadly, the Bears are playing football, and reality sinks in. Its not a dream. Its the changing of the seasons. And with this season comes the next. And, with the next, leaving us with dreams and hopes of a warm spring day.

Peace and Blessed Be!

ITS HERE!

Sad but very true, Fall is upon us. The wind has shifted in a nasty direction, rain is falling out of the sky, like tears from a sobbing baby. And soon, the precipitation will be taking on a lighter shade of white.

I've noticed that restaurants are dragging in their outdoor tables and chairs. Citizens are bringing in their plants from their back porches and steps leading up to their front doors. The city is getting ready to hang a "Gone Ice Fishing" sign in all the windows along Clark and Halsted streets.

I've also noticed people digging in their closets and dusting off their sweaters, which really didn't have long to stay in storage, if they even made it that far. I have had a hoodie stretched out over my foot board since spring, because it never really got that hot. It was cold in July. WE HAD NO SUMMER!

And now, here we are bracing for the worst. Winter is just about on top of us. I still haven't drug out the head gear yet, but I know in my heart, it's just a matter of time. Time? Where did the summer go???

The "Sand Nazis" are long gone. The chairs in which they monitored our beaches have since been removed. Only thing left is to dig up the beach to keep erosion down to a minimum during the winter and frozen months ahead.

Seven more months of cold. Can ya' believe it? This weather is not for the weak of heart or the brave-less companion of fear. Here, I'm still spring cleaning, and now it's time to close the windows, barricade the doors, and hang my own sign "Closed for the Winter! GO AWAY!!!"

And on that lovely note, I need to bundle up, brave the cold, wind, and rain, making my way home as swiftly as I can!

Peace and
Blessed Be!

CRAP! FALL IS HERE!

Well, you heard it here 1st. Fall is officially here. Two days ago, we were experiencing 80 degree weather. Then in about 12 hours, a huge thunderstorm, that came out of nowhere, and BOOM, violent thunder, lightning, and a tornado later, here we are, in the middle of fall.

Leaves are turning, orange, red, crimson, and yellow, falling peacefully down off saddened trees. collecting in perfect little circles of color, appearing at their trunks. Oh fall! As I said earlier, I have wrapped up summer so tight in my body, just holding on to it to keep me warm when the bitter, cold wind starts to blow!

Fall. Time for grey clouds, cold wind, plants that littered countless back porches this past spring and summer, to be brought in against the onslaught of temperatures dropping. And the nasty little squirrels that have been going nuttz. Pardon the pun. By their activity, you know a bad winter is just around the corner. But, I digress...

Fall is a magically time for smells of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, spice, cakes, pies, cookies, and candles. A time for family and friends. Gatherings, children, young and old. The tinkling sound of punch glasses being raised in a toast. Laughter. Music. Sweaters, hoodies, leather, mittens, gloves, scarves, trench coats.

All the above images are put into your mind for, when you think, you've just about had enough, read this again and maybe you will feel the the warmth in the spirit, in which it was written!

Peace and Blessed Be!

Bear

Why?

Why does summer have to end?

In all its spectacular color, why does fall have to begin?

Why do we, as adults, see Fall leaves, piled on the ground, revert to being a kid, and kick them up in the air as high as we can? Or, am I the only one that does that? LOL

Why do we go on when we know one day it will all end?

Why is that you die and are sent to wonderful, pain free, love filled existence, then are sent back home where pain abounds?

Why do they say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place, when it does?

Why do we love, just to get our hearts broken?

Why do we reach out to help others, only to have people question the method we used to reach out?

Why do we adopt pets knowing that we will probably out live them, and turn around and do it all over again?

It's very humid out today, but there is definitely a chill in the air. Makes me feel a little bummed out, knowing what is around the corner. Back home, in Dallas, there still experiencing 90 degree plus temps with unbearable, every pun intended, humidity. Shirt soaking weather. And, you wonder why do people still live there?

I was watching the squirrels in our neighborhood for the last couple of days. I've learned to judge how bad the winter is going to be by their activity. The squirrels are going crazy!!! All my plants, but one, have been moved in doors. The last will find a home in Ron's room when I get back this afternoon. There is so much dirt on my back porch from those little bastards, digging in all my potted plants, throwing one, that I had just planted, three floors down. It didn't commit suicide, it was pure murder! Why would a squirrel want to harm one of my plants???

When tears are made from you own body, why do they burn when you cry?

Why does the sunrise look different from sunset?

Just a lot of random unanswered questions that run thru my mind on a daily basis, that I pray made you stop and think. Most people would say I'm crazy. Why?

Great Lakes Leather Sir/boy and the End Of Summer

Yes, you guessed it. I won Great Lakes Leather Sir 2010.

My speech blew the judges and crowd away. My fantasy, I was told was the most violent and the most erotic, stated 1 judge, he has ever seen before. Jock was, well, it was there. And when the winner was announced, I didn't hear it. I looked at the other 2 contestants, with applause roaring, and they were clapping looking at me. Everyone was clapping looking at me. I WON!!! I can't fucking believe it.

I had a great weekend. And, not just because I won, either. I met a lot of very nice people. A lot of them will travel thru my life with me. Others are just memories of a wonderful weekend. Ron bought me my 1st flogger. I have yet to put it to use.

Okay, with that news out of the way, here's what's going on today...

I noticed a couple of days ago, that the leaves are starting to turn and I also saw some fall to the ground from their branches. My instant reaction was FUCK, WINTER'S COMING!!!ARG!!! The days are getting shorter. We never really had a summer. So, I've been creating my days around the beach. The more sun I get, the more tan I stay thru the winter's war!

The place that I volunteer at, Test Positive Aware Network, has asked me to be on the Board of Directors. Bill, aka "The Chicken Lady," pulled me into his office with the news. I was overwhelmed. My eyes started burning as tears rolled down my face. I love this place and I love what I'm allowed to do. I love giving HIV tests with happy endings. I haven't given a positive test in months. Now that I said something, you know damn well that I'll give one.

The new Executive Director, Bruce, brings his dog, Ema, with him to work. She's great fun. I roll in the floor with her, and chase her thru the building. I usually bring her dog treats when I come to work, but I forgot today and she was so pissed. She bit me. Not hard, but none the less, she struck like a python. I told her I would bring double her order tomorrow. Didn't make her feel bad about biting me, but it did seem to appease her.

So that is my summer. I win Illinois Leather Sir 2009 in late February. Great Lakes Leather Sir 2010, in August, and now I'm sitting on the Board of an expanding HIV facility.

And here again, sad but true, its the 18th of September. Fall is just the next door down the hall. Very soon that door will open. No Jasmine in the air. Soon to be replaced by the scent of cinnamon and nutmeg. Turkey, pumpkin pies. Soups and chicken and dumplings. Don't get me wrong, I love those smells. It just means my wonderful summer is over. The laughter, skate boarders, kites so high up, they nearly reach the gods. Drums beating by the Lake. Music, bonfires, movies in the park. Artists of the Wall. Friends. Waves crashing on the shore, rearranging the rocks that reside there. These are the things that "center" me.

So, I will take these feelings of my summer, wrap them tightly up inside me, to keep me warm thru the dreaded cold. Until once again, when I can open up and release the butterfly that is spring.

Summer Has Finally Hit The "Big C!"

Yes, you read it right, summer is finally here. Its already hot, and humid, but that's part of the Magick of Chicago. Hot and humid days, leave cool and dreamy nights.

I just went for a walk, at 8:30 this evening, down to the Lake. Lots of folks still out there. Decibels ringing loud. The sun was setting, beautifully. And I, left to walk the sands of Lake Michigan alone. Don't feel sad, I needed the time. With me increasing my "Leather Family" and 2 camps at war, I needed a break. I called 1 of my boys to see if he wanted to walk with me, via the cell phone in my hand. He agreed. I see your faces, sitting there, a little on the puzzled side. 'Sir Bear with 2 boys?' And '2 camps at war?' 'What the f--k's going on?' Let me tell you...

1st, Ron and Art had a difference of opinion about Ron's benefit show at the Cell Block. Art pulled out at the last minute, leaving Ron without art to auction and a singer yet to perform. I felt so sorry for him, I told him that since I was already MC'ing, I could sing too. And, I got a friend to showcase his artwork. 'Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!' Everything worked out just fine. We've steered clear of Art ever since, and not said a bad word about or to him, until today when Ron cleaned his clock. Damn, I would have killed to have seen that performance! And he deserved every bit of it.

Artist of the Wall came and Art divided the camps. He said later there was so much tension in the air you could cut it with a knife. I was there too, and that feeling never arose from our camp. It was only in his. In ours, there was laughter, a little bondage between Daniel and Judith, LOL another long story, but lots of fun was had over the weekend. Memories I will cherish for a lifetime. Thank you V! And, there pouted Art. At least there was no screaming match this year between him and Steve, like this past year.

The 2nd boy arrived a couple of weeks ago. Ron told me quite flippantly that I was not his Sir, I was his Daddy. Maybe I could get the boys that were always following me around to call me Sir, is what he said. I did just that. I answered an email from a boy that lives very close to us. A timid, little 23 year old that I could just eat him up. He's absolutely hot, but his looks aren't what attracted me to him. I think it was his shyness and something else I quite haven't figured out, yet.

As I said, he's 23, HIV poz, but very healthy. He's busy looking for a job at the moment. Almost had 1 today. I could help him and use my influence, but something's telling me that he has to do this on his own. His name is Paul. WELCOME PAUL TO VANESSA'S KITCHEN TABLE!!! You, now are 1 of the characters I will write about. He's stolen my heart. I already care for him a great deal. He asked me right after we met if I would be his Sir. I was quite flattered and didn't know what to say. I asked if he needed an answer right then, or could I toss the idea around for a little bit. I've always wanted to be in a Leather Family and now I am. I woke him up the other morning and told him yes, that I would love the chance to be his Sir!

Now, I have a Master, a Mistress, a Lady, a Sir, and 2 boys in my family. I'm the Sir, Mike Zule is my Master, Joanne Gaddy is my Mistress, Kim Justice is my Lady, and Ron and Paul are my boys. 1 big happy fuckin' family. Beats the hell outta the 1 I left in Dallas. Pun intended. Now you're basically up to speed.

Tonight was another magickal night in Chicagoland. The air, by the Lake, was cool, but not crisp, a little humidity thrown in the mix, with the smell hotdogs and hamburgers were on the menu with the scent of Jasmine so thick, still it haunts my senses. Lightning Bugs everywhere lighting up your path. I remembered an old story my mom used to tell me about her as a young girl with fireflies. I'll tell you about it 1 day.

And there's good news. Jasmine's 30 year old son, Mike, from South Beach, has left the high life of that fast paced city, to settle with his mom in Chicago. I think its the sweetest thing I've ever seen. And he's hot!!!! Property values definitely went up when he moved in.

I can't tell you how much I still love this city and everyone in it. Some are a little quirkier than others, but everyone seems to like me, with the exception of Art. I won't loose any sleep over it. He's just a pebble caught on the bottom of my shoe, waiting to get picked off! I cherish my friends and love them intensely. I wouldn't have like this city as much without them. They have made my experience worth the trip.

Its after 11 and I have an early day tomorrow, I need to get going. Sleep tight my friends. I hope to see you all tomorrow. Good night loves.

With All The Love In My Heart,
Sir Bear Abbott
Illinois Leather Sir 2009