How Many Bricks Does It Take...

Just how many bricks does it take, falling out of the heavens, thrown by the Goddess, Herself, aimed at your pointed head, before you snap out of your love induced fog you've created, fooling yourself that it is love you're feeling? Enough to you wake up, smell the coffee of reality, and figure out the frog you've been kissing, has been cleverly disguised as a man? Or vice-versa.

Well, I can answer that question. With me it takes 3. Three of my dearest friends have told me that they've encountered my lasted boyfriend. I didn't want to hear it. I dismissed them. I turned my back, at his request. My back on the friends that have loved me thru the darkest of my days. That have been there to ride the joy of my major accomplishments, and been smart enough to leave me the hell alone, but have been close enough to hear me call, when I have been at my sickest. These friends are golden. So to y'all that have stuck to me like the gum under your best dress shoe, I apologize. Love or "heavy in like' makes you do strange things. And I promise, it will never happen again.

This time, I was wiser than before. I put this guy on a 90 day probationary period. You have 90 days to impress me or 90 days to run me off. His 90 days were up Thanksgiving Day. Instead of spending the day with my new Chicago friends and or family, I spent it with this vegetarian, control freaking, Buddhist fag, from hell because I was told to. You don't tell me to do anything.

I guess I sent him mixed signals. And for that, I apologize to him. He knew I was madder than hell at the center of this blog, but my heart started melting as the days grew shorter and the light of it was growing less. My heart changed its mind. I think, we as humans, can make that mistake. We are aloud to get angry with the 1's we love the most. He preyed on this anger. I just know it.

Well, today was the face-off. He likes to back people into corners and I actually think he likes the feeling of that control. But, he didn't know that when I feel like that, I'll drop you like a "hot mess," as Vanessa puts it. (i.e. shit) I came out of that corner swinging.

Of all places, I thought I was safe on a bus, but who happens to hop on board? You guessed it. That hot mess! He plops his crazy ass right next to me. Yes, we had words. I put my feelings of hurt and anger quite well. Even tho seating next to him, I was afraid. I've never been afraid of anyone before, except for the bullies at school, but that was years ago. I was reduced to being 12 years old again!

I've been dodging this confrontation for days now. I like ripplin' way too much to let this horrible feeling drag me under. Under the blanket of unconsciousness. I love smiling and make people feel that smile. Make them feel that, you know, feeling that you have a secret from the world and you're not telling. The kind of secret that makes you smile on the inside too. I like walking out my front door and sometimes, in the nastiest mood, its shed, and I start ripplin'! (Tomorrow, I'll descibe what ripplin' is.)

When the bus got to where I was going, I left him sitting there seething. I stepped off the bus, and with my head held high, I left him, the bus, and the fumes that were being pumped out both, as global warming, behind. Stepped back into my world. The world that I love the most. My world. Not his reality, my own reality. As fucked up as it can be at times, its still my world and I control what happens in it. Well, the Goddess does, I'm just along for the ride. And let me tell you, its an E ticket ride. I have a blast. Its just, I'd love to have someone to share it with.

Gosh dang it, why can't I find that person that sets me on fire everytime I see them. And keeps that fire burning even while they're not around ? Is that asking too much, or am I just farting in the wind? Ya' know???

So, that is it, friends. Daddy's alone again. Again to face the cold world. Alone, but wiser this time. Knowing that to love someone does not mean you have to give up all that you love and all you are. The things or people that have made you who you are today. Love is, as they say, a 2-way street. It goes both ways. You shouldn't ever have to give up who you are, to please that person of the moment. Because, and this is important, the people and things that have made you who you are, will or should be, there for your return. Like the warm blanket that shields you from winter's cold. May I never loose that blanket.