Losing Your Best Friend

My best friend has left me. We were together for 14 years and now she's gone.

As of March 10, 2009, Pyawacet took her final breath and departed. I know this was the best thing for her, no more pain, diarrhea, no more vomiting, but what she left behind is a man with a broken heart. Readers, I don't know how I'm gonna make it thru this. Everywhere I turn, in my house, in my neighborhood, I see her.

No more will I hear her "barking" for breakfast or for dinner. No more will I feel her curl up in my lap and softly purr. No more will I feel the joy of the excitement she created when I walked in the front door.

I told her, before she drew her last breath, not to go into the light, wait for me, because in a blink of her eye, I will be there. In real time on Earth, I told her it would be a couple of years and then I would join her. She, and my dog Gretchen, the 3 of us will walk into the Light together and play like there's gonna be no tomorrow. Which, there won't be. Only today. But still, there's memory of me seeing the Light and being told its not my time yet, that I had something very important to do before I could return. Maybe this is it...

I'm lost. I don't know where to turn, what to do next? I wanted so badly to call into work last night and say I wasn't coming in. Everyone there already knew what I had gone thru the day before. I told 1 person and now all of Chicago knows.

I went to work to go out in the field to "test." I had 2 people that wanted to take the test. 1st 1 was fine. The 2nd 1, not so fine. There was this man that I had just given a life altering sentence to, and all he asked for was a hug. The towel, that he was wearing, slipped off and there I was holding, very tightly, a naked man. Neither of us cared.

As we sat on the couch and talked, he told me that he didn't want to come in because he thought he already knew the answer. But, he had had this dream the night before and I was in it. He said this man looked exactly like me and even spoke with the deep, soothing voice I have. He said it was me soon as he saw me. So he knew his dream was coming true.

This driving force made me go to work. I had no idea, until I told this guy he was "positive!" Then I was quite certain why I had to come into work. Just to be there for this man. And I'll be there again for him on Friday where I will see him at the office.

When I started this, it was this morning. Since then I have seen the eye doc and my therapist. I didn't know I had it in me to make a therapist cry, but I did. She asked me if it was in Pyawacet's best interest to keep her earth bound? I guess not.

As soon as I got home, I fired up my Shaman drum to help her on her way. While I was drumming, a blasted cat jumped on the bed and then walked over to me and nudged the drum. My hand moved with it. I opened my eyes and there was no cat. Nothing. I knew then it was Py saying goodbye.This makes twice I've had to say goodbye. Before she left, she left me know that, when it was my time, she'll be back to walk me home! Goddess, be with my girl, I'll be there soon.

I love you Pyawacet!

Peace

Hard Lessons Learned

We all have days from time to time when it feels like the world is against us or that the chaos we are experiencing will never end. One negative circumstance seems to lead to another. You may wonder, on a bad day, whether anything in your life will ever go right again. But a bad day, like any other day, can be a gift. Having a bad day can show you that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. A bad day can help you glean wisdom you might otherwise have overlooked or discounted. Bad days can certainly cause you to experience uncomfortable feelings you would prefer to avoid, yet a bad day may also give you a potent means to learn about yourself.

You may consider a bad day to be one where you’ve missing an important meeting because your car stalled, the damn bus driver passed you again standing on the corner, the EL just pulled away from the stop, and you received a piece of very bad news earlier in the morning. Multiple misfortunes that take place one after the other can leave us feeling vulnerable and intensely cognizant of our fragility. But bad days can only have a long-term negative effect on us if we let them. It is better to ask yourself what you can learn from these kinds of days. The state of your bad day may be an indicator that you need to stay in and hibernate or let go of your growing negativity. Bad days contribute to the people we become. Though we may feel discouraged and distressed on our bad days, a bad day can teach us patience and perseverance.

It is important to remember that your attitude drives your destiny and that one negative experience does not have to be the beginning of an ongoing stroke of bad luck. A bad day is memorable because it is one day among many good days – otherwise, we wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge it as a bad day. Know too, that everybody has bad days, you are not alone, the world is not against you. Tomorrow is guaranteed to be a brighter day. Might be raining or snowing, but I promise, tomorrow will be a better day.

Peace Out!
Sir Bear of Chicago

Spring?

Okay, enough is enough with the fuckin' snow. I've had it! When is it ever gonna be Spring? Does this thing actually exist? Or, is it just another Hallmark moment you have to buy another frickin' card for? Spring, you know the thing that is supposed to start after winter's chill is done for another year? Those of us that are in the "deep freeze" would love to know when that day is?

I want to see muli-colors on the ground and in the trees. The color of white, yellow in the snow, brown, and or black is driving this Southerner out of his cotton pickin' mind! (Pardon the pun Vanessa! No offense, okay? LOL)

I mean really, is it too much to ask for just a couple of days in the 50's to give us a taste of what, maybe Australia is going thru right this very second? (Hold the fires!) Instead, we get our weather sent to us via the Polar Ice Caps!

We want an end to this dreaded freeze that when you walk out your front door, instantly your moustache, for those of us who can grow 1, freezes stiff on your face like what Viagra does to your pecker. I mean come on, this is ridiculous. Its been cold ever since, what, Halloween? That was 4 months ago. I remember in school when we studied the seasons of the year, that each season lasted 3 months. Now we're going on 5 this winter? Give us a break!

Last spring was so wonderful. It was my 1st one here. It was almost like someone flipping a switch. Jasmine swears that we don't have a spring. But, I vaguely remember 1 happening. I might be a stoner, but get real! The trees started budding, stalks of green came bursting up thru the ground that led to an array of colorful things attached to them. I mean, it was still cool. You couldn't rip of your shirts and dive into Lake Michigan. Who wants to anyway? YUK! But it was there, I know it was.

But, for now, we're stuck in frozen hell somewhere in between frost bite, and shivering to death. My teeth still chatter when I'm awakened in the middle of the night when nature calls. I have to put on a robe, dash to the bathroom and by the time every thing's done, in the cold, I'm wide awake with nothing to do. Many a night, I would just lay in bed and then after an hour or so, say, 'Fuck it!,' and come out here in the living room and fire up my computer, trying to get warmth from the hard drive. LOL

I want to see kites in the air, like I wrote about before. Dogs barking, children playing "Tag." The drums beating high above the laughter of adults playing in the water at the beach. The sight of sun worshipers, bicycles whooshing past you, roller bladers, animals doing what comes naturally in the spring. I want to do that, too! People down at the Lake looking for that special stone in the water.

Is all of the above just too much to ask for? Or am I just pissing in the wind, or out the back window of a station wagon? Someone's gonna get wet, and I'm afraid that someone is gonna be me. Is there something we can due to usher in what we all want? Please Goddess, hear our cries! SEND US SPRING!

Affectionately,
Sir Bear of Chicago

"Break Out" in Chicago

Will the winter ever end here in Chicago??? The answer to that question is, 'HELL FUCKIN' NO!' It will drag on until the fat lady sings, and that ol' bitch has not even begun to warm up. Pardon the pun. Rumor has it her dress has gotten stuck half way down.

I've been trapped in the house for now going on 2 weeks with a simple sinus infection. I called my doc immediately when I thought I was coming down with 1. Didn't want to see him. Just call in the script and everyone will be fine.

The pills were being taken, like prescribed, I thought I was getting better, but in reality, I was not feeling any better at all. I actually was getting worse.

As I slumped at our heroine's table, she actually threatened to kick my ass if I didn't go see the doc. So, with a request like that, I made the appointment the very next morning.

I explained to the receptionist, I had this mean, bad tempered, 6 foot tall, black lady threatening to kick my ass from here to Wisconsin if y'all don't see me. After a lot of giggling from the other end of the phone, which pissed me off even more, I secured an appointment for later in the afternoon.

Come to find out, Vanessa was right, I'm immune to a Z-Pak. Thank you Vanessa!!! I since have been put on something stronger and meaner than her. And it has torn my stomach up. I have 3 more doses to go until I'm free of that crap. Its upset my stomach, my social life, and my job. I know everyone at work thinks I'm dead behind a dumpster somewhere!

Back to my rant...

The sky is clear and the sun is brightly shining. But don't let it fool you. My weather bug on the computer says its 31 bone chilling degrees outside. With SSW wind of 3 miles per hour, making it even colder.

Yesterday, I mentioned, I crawled downstairs to see Vanessa's. No longer contagious. Jasmine was also down there, with her door open, and with dill tea she had made for me and my stomach. I take it by the teaspoon. I would love nothing more than have a huge blunt in front of me on fire!!!

I went over to Jasmine's apartment, 1st, and we sat at her dining room table, and we talked about Chicago's " Break Out" and when that would be. "Break Out" in Chicago is a wonderful thing to behold. If you can just close your eyes for a moment a picture this...You're in a beautiful city with so much to do, but its all unreachable during the winter months. Who in the hell would want to go out in this mess. Cold, snow, ice. Its crazy!

We've got about 2 more months of winter and the Break Out hits. We'll be swinging from our back porches, cookouts, Artist of the Wall down at the Lake, and maybe I'll have someone new with me. Or old. I'm not all that picky. Oh, who am I trying to fool, hell yes I'm picky, and I'm not going to just settle either. You have to be a certain way or no go. And, you can't know who John-Michael is. That, right there, is a deal breaker. LOL

But, yeah, the thought of kite flying at the beach, running/power walking, cycling all over town. This place is a wonderful and magical dream in the summer. But, in the winter, its very forbidding, hateful, and a "Closed For Repairs" kinda place.

Okay, I'm done, and at the end of this rant, but, I want to leave you with some wonderful images...

Green grass, leaves on the trees, birds doing their thing, kites so far up you can barely see them, cyclists buzzing by, people out with their mutts on leashes, and their dogs too. LOL Laughter, singing, drums beating to the "call of nature," jazz filling the very air you breathe. Hot dogs, steaks, and hamburgers on a grill. The smell of jasmine so thick you could cut it with a knife. (No offense Jasmine. LOL) The sound of children at play, couples walking hand in hand down at the Lake, the old men playing dominoes on benches down at the park, and me in the center of it all. This place blows me into flight.

Peace...

Winter's Cold

I guess y'all think, since I'm a Southerner, I'm gonna bitch about how cold it is. Well, day before yesterday, when I started this post, I would have. And just when you think you can't take it anymore, the heavens open up, the skies clear, and it warms up a whopping 60 degrees. That was yesterday. Today, is another story.

I awoke, this morning, with the familiar tap, tap, tap, on my windowpane, knowing that it wasn't my love, as the song goes, it was the sound of the fucking rain! We've gone from 60 delicious degrees, to a 37 frigid, icicle from hell.

Okay, enough of the bitching. There's nothing we can do about it. You just layer yourself up and pray for the 1st sign of spring. What I do wanna talk about is the brave hearted people that live in this wonderful city.

In summer, we're all aglow. Michigan Ave. has scores of men and women in their latest couture, preening themselves in their reflections in Macy's windows. Joggers on the pathways of the Lake, strollers by the scores. YUK! Oh, and don't forget the bicyclists, that break every law that was made for motorists and get away with it. That is our summer.

In the winter, we loose our individualism. Everyone looks the same. I was walking down the street today, trying my best to keep warm, when this person came up to me, smiling from ear to ear like a jackass, and I thought, 'Who the fuck are you?' Apparently she was glad to see me. I returned the smile and the greeting and then it dawned on me who she was. She was Jasmine's favorite waitress, and mine, from Morseland. That's what we all loose up here in the winter. I'm sorry, you could be wearing an Armani suit, but underneath an overcoat, scarves out the ying yang, and dorky little knit hats on our heads, who gives a shit!

So let me end this rank with...

Just because we have to layer ourselves up the wazoo, don't forget you are individuals, too. Splash some color on that grey coat. Wear a star spangled banner scarf. Nothing looks bad if you can throw a little red, white, and blue on it. Try it! You and your friends will be amazed. And, you'll feel better too! It'll help these long days of winter pass. And hopefully, they'll pass quickly!

Noise As A Distration

Dear Readers,

These next words are not my own, but I got this in my email today, and thought I should share it with all of you.

Noise as a Distraction

Our lives are typically filled with noise. There are the noises from the outside world that we cannot control, and there are the noises we allow into our lives. These noises, from seemingly innocuous sources like the television and radio, can actually help us avoid dealing with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. However, using noise as a distraction hurts more than it helps because you are numbing yourself to what may be internally bubbling up to the surface for you to look at and heal. Distracting yourself with talk-radio, television, or other background noises can also prevent you from finding closure to issues that haunt you.

Noise as a distraction can affect us in many ways. It can help you stay numb to emotions that you don’t want to feel, allow you to avoid dealing with problems, distract you from having to think, and make it easier for you to forget reality. Drowning out the thoughts and emotions you find uncomfortable or overwhelming can complicate your issues because it allows them to fester. By tuning out noise and relishing silence, you create the space to experience and express what you are hiding. It is only then that self-exploration can begin in earnest and you can stare down frightening issues. In silence, it becomes easier to let your strongest feelings come forth, deal with them, and find new ways of resolving your problems.

When you go within without the veil of noise to shield you from yourself, you’ll be able to figure out what you need to heal. Embracing silence and introspection allows you to work through your thoughts and emotions and transmute them. Free of the need for noise, you can accept your pain, anger, and frustration as they come up and turn them into opportunities to evolve.

Peace.

Ripplin'

Okay, I promised it in December and now that it's the new year, I'm gonna explain what this term actually means to me...

Ripplin', as I call it, is simply put, throwing a stone in a still, metaphorical, pond and watching the ripples go out and return to you. A simple, human gesture of kindness goes a long way. Take for example...

A lady at Sonny's Convenience Store was short $.25 for a pack of smokes. She was trying to explain, that if another clerk was there, he'd front them to her and she'd pay him back when she had the money. I'm listening to the story play out, the whole time I'm searching my pockets for a quarter. I came up with 2 dimes and a nickel and quietly put them on the counter in front of her. She quickly turned around and exclaimed, 'Now I owe you a quarter!' I assured her, she didn't owe me a thing. I told her to pay it forward. Do something nice for another stranger. I told her, that quarter would come back to me and maybe, if my luck held out, doubled, as what I had given her. She looked bewildered, but thanked me and left the store. The guy behind the counter told me I was a very smart and nice man. I think that had to be the greatest compliment I've been given in a long time. Well, that quarter immediately came back to me when the clerk knocked 50 cents off my purchase. With a smile, he told me to have a blessed evening. At that moment, I knew the Goddess blessed me.

Another exanple...I was walking up the stairs of the Sheridan EL stop when I saw an elderly lady, behind me, struggling with her roller board getting it up the stairs. I walked back down the stairs, took her board and asked her to allow me. I walked very slowly up the stairs so she could keep up and when we reached the top and she seemed to be settled, but all of a sudden she looked very confused and disoriented. Then she said, 'Oh hun, I've made a terrible mistake. I'm supposed to be on the other side, going the other way!' She started to blush of embarressment as she spoke. I let go a boisterous laugh and I told her, 'Darlin' don't worry, I make the same mistake all the time. She smiled and told me, as the train was pulling up, for me to go on, that she could manage. I told her I wouldn't hear of it and there would always be another train. I picked up her bag and down the stairs we went, off to the other side. Once I saw she was all right, poof! She turned to say something to me, but I had already disappeared. When I returned to the other side, another train was pulling up for me and her train was already there. You can't imagine the wonderous feeling I got from that simple random act of kindness! This is the 2nd example of many ways of how I ripple throughout everyday of my life now.

The point is, I'm not writing all this to brag or be complimented by my readers, it's just to explain what I love to do the most. When I help out a stranger, the good feeling you give them is shown all over their faces. In turn, I get a very warm feeling inside me. I urge you to ry it yourself. You'll find that the waves you send out in that "pond" we call life, bounces off the opposing walls and returns to you many times over. Try it and see what happens.

Another good thing about this is, you hope that ripple is carried out, and it keeps going. Bouncing off wall after wall, person after person. I hope and pray that what I send out, keeps going. Paying forward. You do something nice for someone, randomly, and that person does something nice for someone else, and so on and so on.

Life is like a pond, so cause as many ripples as you can. You'll be surprised how many come back. Have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Peace!