Okay, enough is enough with the fuckin' snow. I've had it! When is it ever gonna be Spring? Does this thing actually exist? Or, is it just another Hallmark moment you have to buy another frickin' card for? Spring, you know the thing that is supposed to start after winter's chill is done for another year? Those of us that are in the "deep freeze" would love to know when that day is?
I want to see muli-colors on the ground and in the trees. The color of white, yellow in the snow, brown, and or black is driving this Southerner out of his cotton pickin' mind! (Pardon the pun Vanessa! No offense, okay? LOL)
I mean really, is it too much to ask for just a couple of days in the 50's to give us a taste of what, maybe Australia is going thru right this very second? (Hold the fires!) Instead, we get our weather sent to us via the Polar Ice Caps!
We want an end to this dreaded freeze that when you walk out your front door, instantly your moustache, for those of us who can grow 1, freezes stiff on your face like what Viagra does to your pecker. I mean come on, this is ridiculous. Its been cold ever since, what, Halloween? That was 4 months ago. I remember in school when we studied the seasons of the year, that each season lasted 3 months. Now we're going on 5 this winter? Give us a break!
Last spring was so wonderful. It was my 1st one here. It was almost like someone flipping a switch. Jasmine swears that we don't have a spring. But, I vaguely remember 1 happening. I might be a stoner, but get real! The trees started budding, stalks of green came bursting up thru the ground that led to an array of colorful things attached to them. I mean, it was still cool. You couldn't rip of your shirts and dive into Lake Michigan. Who wants to anyway? YUK! But it was there, I know it was.
But, for now, we're stuck in frozen hell somewhere in between frost bite, and shivering to death. My teeth still chatter when I'm awakened in the middle of the night when nature calls. I have to put on a robe, dash to the bathroom and by the time every thing's done, in the cold, I'm wide awake with nothing to do. Many a night, I would just lay in bed and then after an hour or so, say, 'Fuck it!,' and come out here in the living room and fire up my computer, trying to get warmth from the hard drive. LOL
I want to see kites in the air, like I wrote about before. Dogs barking, children playing "Tag." The drums beating high above the laughter of adults playing in the water at the beach. The sight of sun worshipers, bicycles whooshing past you, roller bladers, animals doing what comes naturally in the spring. I want to do that, too! People down at the Lake looking for that special stone in the water.
Is all of the above just too much to ask for? Or am I just pissing in the wind, or out the back window of a station wagon? Someone's gonna get wet, and I'm afraid that someone is gonna be me. Is there something we can due to usher in what we all want? Please Goddess, hear our cries! SEND US SPRING!
Affectionately,
Sir Bear of Chicago
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
"Break Out" in Chicago
Will the winter ever end here in Chicago??? The answer to that question is, 'HELL FUCKIN' NO!' It will drag on until the fat lady sings, and that ol' bitch has not even begun to warm up. Pardon the pun. Rumor has it her dress has gotten stuck half way down.
I've been trapped in the house for now going on 2 weeks with a simple sinus infection. I called my doc immediately when I thought I was coming down with 1. Didn't want to see him. Just call in the script and everyone will be fine.
The pills were being taken, like prescribed, I thought I was getting better, but in reality, I was not feeling any better at all. I actually was getting worse.
As I slumped at our heroine's table, she actually threatened to kick my ass if I didn't go see the doc. So, with a request like that, I made the appointment the very next morning.
I explained to the receptionist, I had this mean, bad tempered, 6 foot tall, black lady threatening to kick my ass from here to Wisconsin if y'all don't see me. After a lot of giggling from the other end of the phone, which pissed me off even more, I secured an appointment for later in the afternoon.
Come to find out, Vanessa was right, I'm immune to a Z-Pak. Thank you Vanessa!!! I since have been put on something stronger and meaner than her. And it has torn my stomach up. I have 3 more doses to go until I'm free of that crap. Its upset my stomach, my social life, and my job. I know everyone at work thinks I'm dead behind a dumpster somewhere!
Back to my rant...
The sky is clear and the sun is brightly shining. But don't let it fool you. My weather bug on the computer says its 31 bone chilling degrees outside. With SSW wind of 3 miles per hour, making it even colder.
Yesterday, I mentioned, I crawled downstairs to see Vanessa's. No longer contagious. Jasmine was also down there, with her door open, and with dill tea she had made for me and my stomach. I take it by the teaspoon. I would love nothing more than have a huge blunt in front of me on fire!!!
I went over to Jasmine's apartment, 1st, and we sat at her dining room table, and we talked about Chicago's " Break Out" and when that would be. "Break Out" in Chicago is a wonderful thing to behold. If you can just close your eyes for a moment a picture this...You're in a beautiful city with so much to do, but its all unreachable during the winter months. Who in the hell would want to go out in this mess. Cold, snow, ice. Its crazy!
We've got about 2 more months of winter and the Break Out hits. We'll be swinging from our back porches, cookouts, Artist of the Wall down at the Lake, and maybe I'll have someone new with me. Or old. I'm not all that picky. Oh, who am I trying to fool, hell yes I'm picky, and I'm not going to just settle either. You have to be a certain way or no go. And, you can't know who John-Michael is. That, right there, is a deal breaker. LOL
But, yeah, the thought of kite flying at the beach, running/power walking, cycling all over town. This place is a wonderful and magical dream in the summer. But, in the winter, its very forbidding, hateful, and a "Closed For Repairs" kinda place.
Okay, I'm done, and at the end of this rant, but, I want to leave you with some wonderful images...
Green grass, leaves on the trees, birds doing their thing, kites so far up you can barely see them, cyclists buzzing by, people out with their mutts on leashes, and their dogs too. LOL Laughter, singing, drums beating to the "call of nature," jazz filling the very air you breathe. Hot dogs, steaks, and hamburgers on a grill. The smell of jasmine so thick you could cut it with a knife. (No offense Jasmine. LOL) The sound of children at play, couples walking hand in hand down at the Lake, the old men playing dominoes on benches down at the park, and me in the center of it all. This place blows me into flight.
Peace...
I've been trapped in the house for now going on 2 weeks with a simple sinus infection. I called my doc immediately when I thought I was coming down with 1. Didn't want to see him. Just call in the script and everyone will be fine.
The pills were being taken, like prescribed, I thought I was getting better, but in reality, I was not feeling any better at all. I actually was getting worse.
As I slumped at our heroine's table, she actually threatened to kick my ass if I didn't go see the doc. So, with a request like that, I made the appointment the very next morning.
I explained to the receptionist, I had this mean, bad tempered, 6 foot tall, black lady threatening to kick my ass from here to Wisconsin if y'all don't see me. After a lot of giggling from the other end of the phone, which pissed me off even more, I secured an appointment for later in the afternoon.
Come to find out, Vanessa was right, I'm immune to a Z-Pak. Thank you Vanessa!!! I since have been put on something stronger and meaner than her. And it has torn my stomach up. I have 3 more doses to go until I'm free of that crap. Its upset my stomach, my social life, and my job. I know everyone at work thinks I'm dead behind a dumpster somewhere!
Back to my rant...
The sky is clear and the sun is brightly shining. But don't let it fool you. My weather bug on the computer says its 31 bone chilling degrees outside. With SSW wind of 3 miles per hour, making it even colder.
Yesterday, I mentioned, I crawled downstairs to see Vanessa's. No longer contagious. Jasmine was also down there, with her door open, and with dill tea she had made for me and my stomach. I take it by the teaspoon. I would love nothing more than have a huge blunt in front of me on fire!!!
I went over to Jasmine's apartment, 1st, and we sat at her dining room table, and we talked about Chicago's " Break Out" and when that would be. "Break Out" in Chicago is a wonderful thing to behold. If you can just close your eyes for a moment a picture this...You're in a beautiful city with so much to do, but its all unreachable during the winter months. Who in the hell would want to go out in this mess. Cold, snow, ice. Its crazy!
We've got about 2 more months of winter and the Break Out hits. We'll be swinging from our back porches, cookouts, Artist of the Wall down at the Lake, and maybe I'll have someone new with me. Or old. I'm not all that picky. Oh, who am I trying to fool, hell yes I'm picky, and I'm not going to just settle either. You have to be a certain way or no go. And, you can't know who John-Michael is. That, right there, is a deal breaker. LOL
But, yeah, the thought of kite flying at the beach, running/power walking, cycling all over town. This place is a wonderful and magical dream in the summer. But, in the winter, its very forbidding, hateful, and a "Closed For Repairs" kinda place.
Okay, I'm done, and at the end of this rant, but, I want to leave you with some wonderful images...
Green grass, leaves on the trees, birds doing their thing, kites so far up you can barely see them, cyclists buzzing by, people out with their mutts on leashes, and their dogs too. LOL Laughter, singing, drums beating to the "call of nature," jazz filling the very air you breathe. Hot dogs, steaks, and hamburgers on a grill. The smell of jasmine so thick you could cut it with a knife. (No offense Jasmine. LOL) The sound of children at play, couples walking hand in hand down at the Lake, the old men playing dominoes on benches down at the park, and me in the center of it all. This place blows me into flight.
Peace...
Monday, February 9, 2009
Winter's Cold
I guess y'all think, since I'm a Southerner, I'm gonna bitch about how cold it is. Well, day before yesterday, when I started this post, I would have. And just when you think you can't take it anymore, the heavens open up, the skies clear, and it warms up a whopping 60 degrees. That was yesterday. Today, is another story.
I awoke, this morning, with the familiar tap, tap, tap, on my windowpane, knowing that it wasn't my love, as the song goes, it was the sound of the fucking rain! We've gone from 60 delicious degrees, to a 37 frigid, icicle from hell.
Okay, enough of the bitching. There's nothing we can do about it. You just layer yourself up and pray for the 1st sign of spring. What I do wanna talk about is the brave hearted people that live in this wonderful city.
In summer, we're all aglow. Michigan Ave. has scores of men and women in their latest couture, preening themselves in their reflections in Macy's windows. Joggers on the pathways of the Lake, strollers by the scores. YUK! Oh, and don't forget the bicyclists, that break every law that was made for motorists and get away with it. That is our summer.
In the winter, we loose our individualism. Everyone looks the same. I was walking down the street today, trying my best to keep warm, when this person came up to me, smiling from ear to ear like a jackass, and I thought, 'Who the fuck are you?' Apparently she was glad to see me. I returned the smile and the greeting and then it dawned on me who she was. She was Jasmine's favorite waitress, and mine, from Morseland. That's what we all loose up here in the winter. I'm sorry, you could be wearing an Armani suit, but underneath an overcoat, scarves out the ying yang, and dorky little knit hats on our heads, who gives a shit!
So let me end this rank with...
Just because we have to layer ourselves up the wazoo, don't forget you are individuals, too. Splash some color on that grey coat. Wear a star spangled banner scarf. Nothing looks bad if you can throw a little red, white, and blue on it. Try it! You and your friends will be amazed. And, you'll feel better too! It'll help these long days of winter pass. And hopefully, they'll pass quickly!
I awoke, this morning, with the familiar tap, tap, tap, on my windowpane, knowing that it wasn't my love, as the song goes, it was the sound of the fucking rain! We've gone from 60 delicious degrees, to a 37 frigid, icicle from hell.
Okay, enough of the bitching. There's nothing we can do about it. You just layer yourself up and pray for the 1st sign of spring. What I do wanna talk about is the brave hearted people that live in this wonderful city.
In summer, we're all aglow. Michigan Ave. has scores of men and women in their latest couture, preening themselves in their reflections in Macy's windows. Joggers on the pathways of the Lake, strollers by the scores. YUK! Oh, and don't forget the bicyclists, that break every law that was made for motorists and get away with it. That is our summer.
In the winter, we loose our individualism. Everyone looks the same. I was walking down the street today, trying my best to keep warm, when this person came up to me, smiling from ear to ear like a jackass, and I thought, 'Who the fuck are you?' Apparently she was glad to see me. I returned the smile and the greeting and then it dawned on me who she was. She was Jasmine's favorite waitress, and mine, from Morseland. That's what we all loose up here in the winter. I'm sorry, you could be wearing an Armani suit, but underneath an overcoat, scarves out the ying yang, and dorky little knit hats on our heads, who gives a shit!
So let me end this rank with...
Just because we have to layer ourselves up the wazoo, don't forget you are individuals, too. Splash some color on that grey coat. Wear a star spangled banner scarf. Nothing looks bad if you can throw a little red, white, and blue on it. Try it! You and your friends will be amazed. And, you'll feel better too! It'll help these long days of winter pass. And hopefully, they'll pass quickly!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Noise As A Distration
Dear Readers,
These next words are not my own, but I got this in my email today, and thought I should share it with all of you.
Noise as a Distraction
Our lives are typically filled with noise. There are the noises from the outside world that we cannot control, and there are the noises we allow into our lives. These noises, from seemingly innocuous sources like the television and radio, can actually help us avoid dealing with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. However, using noise as a distraction hurts more than it helps because you are numbing yourself to what may be internally bubbling up to the surface for you to look at and heal. Distracting yourself with talk-radio, television, or other background noises can also prevent you from finding closure to issues that haunt you.
Noise as a distraction can affect us in many ways. It can help you stay numb to emotions that you don’t want to feel, allow you to avoid dealing with problems, distract you from having to think, and make it easier for you to forget reality. Drowning out the thoughts and emotions you find uncomfortable or overwhelming can complicate your issues because it allows them to fester. By tuning out noise and relishing silence, you create the space to experience and express what you are hiding. It is only then that self-exploration can begin in earnest and you can stare down frightening issues. In silence, it becomes easier to let your strongest feelings come forth, deal with them, and find new ways of resolving your problems.
When you go within without the veil of noise to shield you from yourself, you’ll be able to figure out what you need to heal. Embracing silence and introspection allows you to work through your thoughts and emotions and transmute them. Free of the need for noise, you can accept your pain, anger, and frustration as they come up and turn them into opportunities to evolve.
Peace.
These next words are not my own, but I got this in my email today, and thought I should share it with all of you.
Noise as a Distraction
Our lives are typically filled with noise. There are the noises from the outside world that we cannot control, and there are the noises we allow into our lives. These noises, from seemingly innocuous sources like the television and radio, can actually help us avoid dealing with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. However, using noise as a distraction hurts more than it helps because you are numbing yourself to what may be internally bubbling up to the surface for you to look at and heal. Distracting yourself with talk-radio, television, or other background noises can also prevent you from finding closure to issues that haunt you.
Noise as a distraction can affect us in many ways. It can help you stay numb to emotions that you don’t want to feel, allow you to avoid dealing with problems, distract you from having to think, and make it easier for you to forget reality. Drowning out the thoughts and emotions you find uncomfortable or overwhelming can complicate your issues because it allows them to fester. By tuning out noise and relishing silence, you create the space to experience and express what you are hiding. It is only then that self-exploration can begin in earnest and you can stare down frightening issues. In silence, it becomes easier to let your strongest feelings come forth, deal with them, and find new ways of resolving your problems.
When you go within without the veil of noise to shield you from yourself, you’ll be able to figure out what you need to heal. Embracing silence and introspection allows you to work through your thoughts and emotions and transmute them. Free of the need for noise, you can accept your pain, anger, and frustration as they come up and turn them into opportunities to evolve.
Peace.
Ripplin'
Okay, I promised it in December and now that it's the new year, I'm gonna explain what this term actually means to me...
Ripplin', as I call it, is simply put, throwing a stone in a still, metaphorical, pond and watching the ripples go out and return to you. A simple, human gesture of kindness goes a long way. Take for example...
A lady at Sonny's Convenience Store was short $.25 for a pack of smokes. She was trying to explain, that if another clerk was there, he'd front them to her
and she'd pay him back when she had the money. I'm listening to the story play out, the whole time I'm searching my pockets for a quarter. I came up with 2 dimes and a nickel and quietly put them on the counter in front of her. She quickly turned around and exclaimed, 'Now I owe you a quarter!' I assured her, she didn't owe me a thing. I told her to pay it forward. Do something nice for another stranger. I told her, that quarter would come back to me and maybe, if my luck held out, doubled, as what I had given her. She looked bewildered, but thanked me and left the store. The guy behind the counter told me I was a very smart and nice man. I think that had to be the greatest compliment I've been given in a long time. Well, that quarter immediately came back to me when the clerk knocked 50 cents off my purchase. With a smile, he told me to have a blessed evening. At that moment, I knew the Goddess blessed me.
Another exanple...I was walking up the stairs of the Sheridan EL stop when I saw an elderly lady, behind me, struggling with her roller board getting it up the stairs. I walked back down the stairs, took her board and asked her to allow me. I walked very slowly up the stairs so she could keep up and when we reached the top and she seemed to be settled, but all of a sudden she looked very confused and disoriented. Then she said, 'Oh hun, I've made a terrible mistake. I'm supposed to be on the other side, going the other way!' She started to blush of embarressment as she spoke. I let go a boisterous laugh and I told her, 'Darlin' don't worry, I make the same mistake all the time. She smiled and told me, as the train was pulling up, for me to go on, that she could manage. I told her I wouldn't hear of it and there would always be another train. I picked up her bag and down the stairs we went, off to the other side. Once I saw she was all right, poof! She turned to say something to me, but I had already disappeared. When I returned to the other side, another train was pulling up for me and her train was already there. You can't imagine the wonderous feeling I got from that simple random act of kindness! This is the 2nd example of many ways of how I ripple throughout everyday of my life now.
The point is, I'm not writing all this to brag or be complimented by my readers, it's just to explain what I love to do the most. When I help out a stranger, the good feeling you give them is shown all over their faces. In turn, I get a very warm feeling inside me. I urge you to ry it yourself. You'll find that the waves you send out in that "pond" we call life, bounces off the opposing walls and returns to you many times over. Try it and see what happens.
Another good thing about this is, you hope that ripple is carried out, and it keeps going. Bouncing off wall after wall, person after person. I hope and pray that what I send out, keeps going. Paying forward. You do something nice for someone, randomly, and that person does something nice for someone else, and so on and so on.
Life is like a pond, so cause as many ripples as you can. You'll be surprised how many come back. Have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!
Peace!
Ripplin', as I call it, is simply put, throwing a stone in a still, metaphorical, pond and watching the ripples go out and return to you. A simple, human gesture of kindness goes a long way. Take for example...
A lady at Sonny's Convenience Store was short $.25 for a pack of smokes. She was trying to explain, that if another clerk was there, he'd front them to her
and she'd pay him back when she had the money. I'm listening to the story play out, the whole time I'm searching my pockets for a quarter. I came up with 2 dimes and a nickel and quietly put them on the counter in front of her. She quickly turned around and exclaimed, 'Now I owe you a quarter!' I assured her, she didn't owe me a thing. I told her to pay it forward. Do something nice for another stranger. I told her, that quarter would come back to me and maybe, if my luck held out, doubled, as what I had given her. She looked bewildered, but thanked me and left the store. The guy behind the counter told me I was a very smart and nice man. I think that had to be the greatest compliment I've been given in a long time. Well, that quarter immediately came back to me when the clerk knocked 50 cents off my purchase. With a smile, he told me to have a blessed evening. At that moment, I knew the Goddess blessed me.Another exanple...I was walking up the stairs of the Sheridan EL stop when I saw an elderly lady, behind me, struggling with her roller board getting it up the stairs. I walked back down the stairs, took her board and asked her to allow me. I walked very slowly up the stairs so she could keep up and when we reached the top and she seemed to be settled, but all of a sudden she looked very confused and disoriented. Then she said, 'Oh hun, I've made a terrible mistake. I'm supposed to be on the other side, going the other way!' She started to blush of embarressment as she spoke. I let go a boisterous laugh and I told her, 'Darlin' don't worry, I make the same mistake all the time. She smiled and told me, as the train was pulling up, for me to go on, that she could manage. I told her I wouldn't hear of it and there would always be another train. I picked up her bag and down the stairs we went, off to the other side. Once I saw she was all right, poof! She turned to say something to me, but I had already disappeared. When I returned to the other side, another train was pulling up for me and her train was already there. You can't imagine the wonderous feeling I got from that simple random act of kindness! This is the 2nd example of many ways of how I ripple throughout everyday of my life now.
The point is, I'm not writing all this to brag or be complimented by my readers, it's just to explain what I love to do the most. When I help out a stranger, the good feeling you give them is shown all over their faces. In turn, I get a very warm feeling inside me. I urge you to ry it yourself. You'll find that the waves you send out in that "pond" we call life, bounces off the opposing walls and returns to you many times over. Try it and see what happens.
Another good thing about this is, you hope that ripple is carried out, and it keeps going. Bouncing off wall after wall, person after person. I hope and pray that what I send out, keeps going. Paying forward. You do something nice for someone, randomly, and that person does something nice for someone else, and so on and so on.
Life is like a pond, so cause as many ripples as you can. You'll be surprised how many come back. Have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!
Peace!
Friday, December 12, 2008
How Many Bricks Does It Take...
Just how many bricks does it take, falling out of the heavens, thrown by the Goddess, Herself, aimed at your pointed head, before you snap out of your love induced fog you've created, fooling yourself that it is love you're feeling? Enough to you wake up, smell the coffee of reality, and figure out the frog you've been kissing, has been cleverly disguised as a man? Or vice-versa.
Well, I can answer that question. With me it takes 3. Three of my dearest friends have told me that they've encountered my lasted boyfriend. I didn't want to hear it. I dismissed them. I turned my back, at his request. My back on the friends that have loved me thru the darkest of my days. That have been there to ride the joy of my major accomplishments, and been smart enough to leave me the hell alone, but have been close enough to hear me call, when I have been at my sickest. These friends are golden. So to y'all that have stuck to me like the gum under your best dress shoe, I apologize. Love or "heavy in like' makes you do strange things. And I promise, it will never happen again.
This time, I was wiser than before. I put this guy on a 90 day probationary period. You have 90 days to impress me or 90 days to run me off. His 90 days were up Thanksgiving Day. Instead of spending the day with my new Chicago friends and or family, I spent it with this vegetarian, control freaking, Buddhist fag, from hell because I was told to. You don't tell me to do anything.
I guess I sent him mixed signals. And for that, I apologize to him. He knew I was madder than hell at the center of this blog, but my heart started melting as the days grew shorter and the light of it was growing less. My heart changed its mind. I think, we as humans, can make that mistake. We are aloud to get angry with the 1's we love the most. He preyed on this anger. I just know it.
Well, today was the face-off. He likes to back people into corners and I actually think he likes the feeling of that control. But, he didn't know that when I feel like that, I'll drop you like a "hot mess," as Vanessa puts it. (i.e. shit) I came out of that corner swinging.
Of all places, I thought I was safe on a bus, but who happens to hop on board? You guessed it. That hot mess! He plops his crazy ass right next to me. Yes, we had words. I put my feelings of hurt and anger quite well. Even tho seating next to him, I was afraid. I've never been afraid of anyone before, except for the bullies at school, but that was years ago. I was reduced to being 12 years old again!
I've been dodging this confrontation for days now. I like ripplin' way too much to let this horrible feeling drag me under. Under the blanket of unconsciousness. I love smiling and make people feel that smile. Make them feel that, you know, feeling that you have a secret from the world and you're not telling. The kind of secret that makes you smile on the inside too. I like walking out my front door and sometimes, in the nastiest mood, its shed, and I start ripplin'! (Tomorrow, I'll descibe what ripplin' is.)
When the bus got to where I was going, I left him sitting there seething. I stepped off the bus, and with my head held high, I left him, the bus, and the fumes that were being pumped out both, as global warming, behind. Stepped back into my world. The world that I love the most. My world. Not his reality, my own reality. As fucked up as it can be at times, its still my world and I control what happens in it. Well, the Goddess does, I'm just along for the ride. And let me tell you, its an E ticket ride. I have a blast. Its just, I'd love to have someone to share it with.
Gosh dang it, why can't I find that person that sets me on fire everytime I see them. And keeps that fire burning even while they're not around ? Is that asking too much, or am I just farting in the wind? Ya' know???
So, that is it, friends. Daddy's alone again. Again to face the cold world. Alone, but wiser this time. Knowing that to love someone does not mean you have to give up all that you love and all you are. The things or people that have made you who you are today. Love is, as they say, a 2-way street. It goes both ways. You shouldn't ever have to give up who you are, to please that person of the moment. Because, and this is important, the people and things that have made you who you are, will or should be, there for your return. Like the warm blanket that shields you from winter's cold. May I never loose that blanket.
Well, I can answer that question. With me it takes 3. Three of my dearest friends have told me that they've encountered my lasted boyfriend. I didn't want to hear it. I dismissed them. I turned my back, at his request. My back on the friends that have loved me thru the darkest of my days. That have been there to ride the joy of my major accomplishments, and been smart enough to leave me the hell alone, but have been close enough to hear me call, when I have been at my sickest. These friends are golden. So to y'all that have stuck to me like the gum under your best dress shoe, I apologize. Love or "heavy in like' makes you do strange things. And I promise, it will never happen again.
This time, I was wiser than before. I put this guy on a 90 day probationary period. You have 90 days to impress me or 90 days to run me off. His 90 days were up Thanksgiving Day. Instead of spending the day with my new Chicago friends and or family, I spent it with this vegetarian, control freaking, Buddhist fag, from hell because I was told to. You don't tell me to do anything.
I guess I sent him mixed signals. And for that, I apologize to him. He knew I was madder than hell at the center of this blog, but my heart started melting as the days grew shorter and the light of it was growing less. My heart changed its mind. I think, we as humans, can make that mistake. We are aloud to get angry with the 1's we love the most. He preyed on this anger. I just know it.
Well, today was the face-off. He likes to back people into corners and I actually think he likes the feeling of that control. But, he didn't know that when I feel like that, I'll drop you like a "hot mess," as Vanessa puts it. (i.e. shit) I came out of that corner swinging.
Of all places, I thought I was safe on a bus, but who happens to hop on board? You guessed it. That hot mess! He plops his crazy ass right next to me. Yes, we had words. I put my feelings of hurt and anger quite well. Even tho seating next to him, I was afraid. I've never been afraid of anyone before, except for the bullies at school, but that was years ago. I was reduced to being 12 years old again!
I've been dodging this confrontation for days now. I like ripplin' way too much to let this horrible feeling drag me under. Under the blanket of unconsciousness. I love smiling and make people feel that smile. Make them feel that, you know, feeling that you have a secret from the world and you're not telling. The kind of secret that makes you smile on the inside too. I like walking out my front door and sometimes, in the nastiest mood, its shed, and I start ripplin'! (Tomorrow, I'll descibe what ripplin' is.)
When the bus got to where I was going, I left him sitting there seething. I stepped off the bus, and with my head held high, I left him, the bus, and the fumes that were being pumped out both, as global warming, behind. Stepped back into my world. The world that I love the most. My world. Not his reality, my own reality. As fucked up as it can be at times, its still my world and I control what happens in it. Well, the Goddess does, I'm just along for the ride. And let me tell you, its an E ticket ride. I have a blast. Its just, I'd love to have someone to share it with.
Gosh dang it, why can't I find that person that sets me on fire everytime I see them. And keeps that fire burning even while they're not around ? Is that asking too much, or am I just farting in the wind? Ya' know???
So, that is it, friends. Daddy's alone again. Again to face the cold world. Alone, but wiser this time. Knowing that to love someone does not mean you have to give up all that you love and all you are. The things or people that have made you who you are today. Love is, as they say, a 2-way street. It goes both ways. You shouldn't ever have to give up who you are, to please that person of the moment. Because, and this is important, the people and things that have made you who you are, will or should be, there for your return. Like the warm blanket that shields you from winter's cold. May I never loose that blanket.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Knowing Our Future
Sometimes, we may find ourselves wishing we knew what our lives are going to look like or what gifts and challenges are going to be presented to us in the coming months or years.
We may want to know if the relationship we’re in now will go the distance or if our goals will be realized. Perhaps we feel like we need help making a decision and we want to know which choice will work out best.
We may consult psychics, tarot cards, our dreams, and many other sources in the hopes of finding out what the future holds. Usually, at most, we may catch glimpses. And even though we think we would like to know the whole story in all its details, the truth is that we would probably be overwhelmed and exhausted if we knew everything that is going to happen to us.
Just think of your life as you’ve lived it up to this point. If you are like most of us, you have probably done more and faced more than you could have ever imagined. If someone had told you as a child of all the jobs and relationships you would experience, along with each one’s inherent ups and downs, you would have become overwhelmed. With your head full of information about the future, you would have had a very hard time experiencing your life in the present moment, which is where everything actually happens.
In many ways, not knowing what the future has in store brings out in us the qualities we need to grow. For example, it would have been difficult to commit yourself to certain people or projects if you knew they wouldn’t ultimately work out. Yet, it was through your commitment to see them through that you experienced the lessons you needed to grow.
Looking back on your life, you would likely be hard pressed to say that anything in your past should not have happened. In fact, your most challenging experiences with their inevitable lessons may have ultimately brought you the greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us just where we need to be—fully committed and in the present moment.
We may want to know if the relationship we’re in now will go the distance or if our goals will be realized. Perhaps we feel like we need help making a decision and we want to know which choice will work out best.
We may consult psychics, tarot cards, our dreams, and many other sources in the hopes of finding out what the future holds. Usually, at most, we may catch glimpses. And even though we think we would like to know the whole story in all its details, the truth is that we would probably be overwhelmed and exhausted if we knew everything that is going to happen to us.
Just think of your life as you’ve lived it up to this point. If you are like most of us, you have probably done more and faced more than you could have ever imagined. If someone had told you as a child of all the jobs and relationships you would experience, along with each one’s inherent ups and downs, you would have become overwhelmed. With your head full of information about the future, you would have had a very hard time experiencing your life in the present moment, which is where everything actually happens.
In many ways, not knowing what the future has in store brings out in us the qualities we need to grow. For example, it would have been difficult to commit yourself to certain people or projects if you knew they wouldn’t ultimately work out. Yet, it was through your commitment to see them through that you experienced the lessons you needed to grow.
Looking back on your life, you would likely be hard pressed to say that anything in your past should not have happened. In fact, your most challenging experiences with their inevitable lessons may have ultimately brought you the greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us just where we need to be—fully committed and in the present moment.
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