Smart man here, heard that you can beat a sinus infection all on your own. SURPRISE! It's not true. Once that thing has got a hold of you, it will not let you go until you can't go on. Doc gave me a lot of penicillin, and today, I'm good to go. 875 milligrams a tab, 2 tabs twice daily for 10 days!
Which brings me to the issue at hand. The last week or so, I've got in my head that I was dying, again. Made arrangements with a neighbor to take care of Ron when I go. Arrangements for the cats and dog, that I should not be hooked up to machines to keep me going, and what to do with my ashes.
For those that don't know, I've already died once and was sent back. I really want to return. Peace, love, and no pain. No memories of the past, no fears of the future? Sign me up. But, it doesn't happen. I sit here, get very sick, and then I get better. Why do I get better? Why can't I just let go? Why won't they come back for me? Is anyone listening???
This is what happened to me that night in Oct, right after Sept. 11th, 2001...
I got very sick. My temperature fluctuated from 102 to 103. Tylenol was bringing it down to 101, but shortly it would return. That means, to the doc or hospital I'm bound. The doc recommended the hospital, so off Ron and I went.
By this time, I was so tired, my head was pounding, every muscle in my body was aching so bad it hurt to move. I was admitted immediately after a spinal tap, with Viral, Spinal Meningitis. Meningitis? Where the hell did I get that?
I was in the care of Medical City Hospital where I'm on a 1st name basis with all the doctors and nurses that practice medicine there. I was in for about 3 to 4 days until they released me. When I returned home, blankets had to be put over my bedroom window, TV had to be turned down to where only Gretchen could here it.
Later that evening Ron came home. He fed me, watered me like the dogs I had been listening to all day, gave me a couple of pain killers that felt like baby aspirin, and tucked me in for the night. He crawled in next to me and then it started; that horrible snoring of his. 'Like a battleship coming into port. The sound that was coming out of his mouth was excruciating. It hurt everything and every part of me. I gently shook him awake and told him to get the hell out! I explained to him, grumpily, that the sound that omitted from his mouth was killing me. He quickly left the room and as I heard him lightly start to snore from the guest bedroom that's when it happened. LIGHTS OUT!
I was traveling down a long, black tunnel. I arrived to be standing on a black column, in a dense forest. Around the column was a "crop circle" cut into the trees that outlined the platform. In the distance I could hear a train softly rolling on its tracks. Funny, there's no trains or tracks in Las Colinas where we lived. But, alas, the sound was still there. I was very tired, so I laid down on the column and curled up in the fetal position. But, the sound remained. And, it grew louder.
Just so that you know, that was 2001, long before I moved to Chicago. Long before I had ever heard of the EL, much less experienced it! As the train sound grew louder, sleepily, I stood up from the platform to see what the hell was coming at me. The sound grew louder and louder, almost deafening, and then as this black ship sort of thing whooshed past me, it stopped about 50 feet from the column. I can still feel the air it created blowing through my hair as if I'm standing too close on the platform when the EL arrives.
The ship/engine looked like the Land Cruiser of the Jawas from the original Star Wars. WOW! Being the curious/nosey person I am, I had to see what it was. I jumped down, I think maybe 10 feet to the ground to investigate. There were turnstiles, just like Six Flags over Texas leading up to this gargantuan, black engine. The door was open to it, but it was being guarded by 2 people. 1 was a lovely woman with long, blond hair that seemed to shine like diamonds in the light. Man, she was gorgeous. She definitely put my sexual orientation into question. That question was answered by her partner that was standing beside her. My Goddess, he was gorgeous too. GAYDAR went off. Flashing red lights and horns blowing. Gay! But, he remained silent the whole time.
In my pagan up bringing, we believe that we are born with 2 Spirit Guides. They appear to us as children and grow up as we grow. She told me her name was Hannah and his was Daniel. How biblical! When she spoke, I noticed that her mouth never moved, but I heard every word she had to say. She said, 'We have something to show you.' I explained to her that I wanted to go home and get my partner Ron. She said there wasn't enough time and plus, this was just for me.
I stepped into the ship, with them, and all I remember was the color red. It was on the walls, floors, and ceilings. The door closed behind me. No fear. You know, I've felt being loved before. My mother loves me, my dad, my partner, and all my friends. But, I have never experienced love on this scale, ever! It was all around me. It was an entity all of its own. You breathed it in, you exhaled it. It was in every cell of my body. And as the ship took off, I noticed through the windows that we were no longer on the ground, or on earth for that matter. We were in space within seconds.
In this red room, off to the left, from the front door, were all these people standing there, smiling like they knew me. Only thing different about them was they only existed from the waist up. None of them had legs. So, I guess the word 'standing' was incorrect. Hovering is more like it. I also noticed that all the pain I was in, was no longer with me. The pain from meningitis, and from HIV was gone. All of it.
I saw planets, and yes Saturn has multi-colored rings around it. I saw other moons, other solar systems, plenty of stars, and then there was nothing. We were in a void in space. Darkness. Nothingness. A black hole. But, in this darkness, this void where time had no meaning, there was a light. A giant, all consuming light, brighter than any sun I had just encountered. And, it didn't hurt to look into it, like our own sun does. It was beautiful. The kicker is, It knows your name and calls you. Talk about a black hole? It pulls you in.
I turned to Hannah and asked if I could go and see It. She laughed and said no. She said I was brought out there to arrest my fears of dying. She also said it wasn't my time yet, it was theirs, as she pointed to the figures with no legs. 'That I had something very important to do on earth before I could return. I asked her what that was. She smiled and told me it wasn't up to her to tell me what it was, but which ever road I took, be it the long way around It or straight to It, I would find It. Being hot headed as I am, I blew! 'You mean to tell me you drug me out here in the middle of bum fuck, showed me a light, won't let me go to it, something important to do on earth, won't tell me what it is, and all you can do is stand there and smile at me??? What kinda nonsense is this?' She remained smiling at me, even tho I was cussing up a blue streak, and not too happy. But, the warmth and love of her smile defused me and calmed me down.
Out there in the middle of nothing, I finally realized I hadn't been breathing. Upon that realization, I needed air. I couldn't breathe. I was going to die if I didn't have air. Joke was on me, I was already dead. Hannah put her lovely hand on the wall to my right and a door opened. Inside this very small room was a flat console with a chair in front of it. A window was above the console. The flatness, in front of me, started to take shape as I sat down. As it grew out, it also grew up. Hannah told me she would see me again, soon. And with that the door closed and the mask that appeared from the console attached itself to my face. I thought of the film, Alien, at 1st. But, the mask had air in it. And then darkness fell around me again for the 2nd time.
I was back in the tunnel, and then I felt my bed beneath me. And no pain. Gradually, from a distance, the pain started catching up to me like a long lost friend. Gradually at 1st, then BOOM, full blasted pain. I think I hurt even more this time than before. I laid there thinking about what had just happened to me. 'What was her name,' I kept asking myself? To remember it, I actually thought of all the female cast members to Steel Magnolias. How gay! Dolly Parton. No. Olympia Dukacus. No. Sally Field. No again. Shirley McClain. Still no. Remember, remember. Daryl Hannah. That's it! HANNAH! And then upon remembering it, I'd forget it again. I would recite the entire cast again, before remembering Daryl Hannah. This went on for the rest of the night.
I couldn't wait for Ron to wake up so I could tell him that I died and came back. This is what's waiting for me. Hell, this is what's waiting for all of us, eventually. So, most of the time, when I get sick, I mean very sick, I get scared. But then I start thinking about that faithful night, and between It, and some very good friends, they usually can talk me down, out of the metaphorical tree I'm in!
I was told, also by Hannah, to repeat this story to everyone that I can. She also said some people will deny that I had the experience and others will think I'm a lunatic. But, for some, It will be a story of hope. That's what It is for me. Hope in an everlasting light and life.
I sit on my back porch at anytime of the day when I want to escape. I can hear in the distance the sound of the EL, coming and going from the Morse stop up the street. As you can imagine, that sound is a comfort to me. Its a signal that 1 day they would return to me and take me home. Funny, you never go home, home comes to you!
Well, I guess its time for me to wrap things up and call it a day. This is how I've spent my down time at work today. LOL
Blessed Be!
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