How Many Bricks Does It Take...

Just how many bricks does it take, falling out of the heavens, thrown by the Goddess, Herself, aimed at your pointed head, before you snap out of your love induced fog you've created, fooling yourself that it is love you're feeling? Enough to you wake up, smell the coffee of reality, and figure out the frog you've been kissing, has been cleverly disguised as a man? Or vice-versa.

Well, I can answer that question. With me it takes 3. Three of my dearest friends have told me that they've encountered my lasted boyfriend. I didn't want to hear it. I dismissed them. I turned my back, at his request. My back on the friends that have loved me thru the darkest of my days. That have been there to ride the joy of my major accomplishments, and been smart enough to leave me the hell alone, but have been close enough to hear me call, when I have been at my sickest. These friends are golden. So to y'all that have stuck to me like the gum under your best dress shoe, I apologize. Love or "heavy in like' makes you do strange things. And I promise, it will never happen again.

This time, I was wiser than before. I put this guy on a 90 day probationary period. You have 90 days to impress me or 90 days to run me off. His 90 days were up Thanksgiving Day. Instead of spending the day with my new Chicago friends and or family, I spent it with this vegetarian, control freaking, Buddhist fag, from hell because I was told to. You don't tell me to do anything.

I guess I sent him mixed signals. And for that, I apologize to him. He knew I was madder than hell at the center of this blog, but my heart started melting as the days grew shorter and the light of it was growing less. My heart changed its mind. I think, we as humans, can make that mistake. We are aloud to get angry with the 1's we love the most. He preyed on this anger. I just know it.

Well, today was the face-off. He likes to back people into corners and I actually think he likes the feeling of that control. But, he didn't know that when I feel like that, I'll drop you like a "hot mess," as Vanessa puts it. (i.e. shit) I came out of that corner swinging.

Of all places, I thought I was safe on a bus, but who happens to hop on board? You guessed it. That hot mess! He plops his crazy ass right next to me. Yes, we had words. I put my feelings of hurt and anger quite well. Even tho seating next to him, I was afraid. I've never been afraid of anyone before, except for the bullies at school, but that was years ago. I was reduced to being 12 years old again!

I've been dodging this confrontation for days now. I like ripplin' way too much to let this horrible feeling drag me under. Under the blanket of unconsciousness. I love smiling and make people feel that smile. Make them feel that, you know, feeling that you have a secret from the world and you're not telling. The kind of secret that makes you smile on the inside too. I like walking out my front door and sometimes, in the nastiest mood, its shed, and I start ripplin'! (Tomorrow, I'll descibe what ripplin' is.)

When the bus got to where I was going, I left him sitting there seething. I stepped off the bus, and with my head held high, I left him, the bus, and the fumes that were being pumped out both, as global warming, behind. Stepped back into my world. The world that I love the most. My world. Not his reality, my own reality. As fucked up as it can be at times, its still my world and I control what happens in it. Well, the Goddess does, I'm just along for the ride. And let me tell you, its an E ticket ride. I have a blast. Its just, I'd love to have someone to share it with.

Gosh dang it, why can't I find that person that sets me on fire everytime I see them. And keeps that fire burning even while they're not around ? Is that asking too much, or am I just farting in the wind? Ya' know???

So, that is it, friends. Daddy's alone again. Again to face the cold world. Alone, but wiser this time. Knowing that to love someone does not mean you have to give up all that you love and all you are. The things or people that have made you who you are today. Love is, as they say, a 2-way street. It goes both ways. You shouldn't ever have to give up who you are, to please that person of the moment. Because, and this is important, the people and things that have made you who you are, will or should be, there for your return. Like the warm blanket that shields you from winter's cold. May I never loose that blanket.

Knowing Our Future

Sometimes, we may find ourselves wishing we knew what our lives are going to look like or what gifts and challenges are going to be presented to us in the coming months or years.

We may want to know if the relationship we’re in now will go the distance or if our goals will be realized. Perhaps we feel like we need help making a decision and we want to know which choice will work out best.

We may consult psychics, tarot cards, our dreams, and many other sources in the hopes of finding out what the future holds. Usually, at most, we may catch glimpses. And even though we think we would like to know the whole story in all its details, the truth is that we would probably be overwhelmed and exhausted if we knew everything that is going to happen to us.

Just think of your life as you’ve lived it up to this point. If you are like most of us, you have probably done more and faced more than you could have ever imagined. If someone had told you as a child of all the jobs and relationships you would experience, along with each one’s inherent ups and downs, you would have become overwhelmed. With your head full of information about the future, you would have had a very hard time experiencing your life in the present moment, which is where everything actually happens.

In many ways, not knowing what the future has in store brings out in us the qualities we need to grow. For example, it would have been difficult to commit yourself to certain people or projects if you knew they wouldn’t ultimately work out. Yet, it was through your commitment to see them through that you experienced the lessons you needed to grow.

Looking back on your life, you would likely be hard pressed to say that anything in your past should not have happened. In fact, your most challenging experiences with their inevitable lessons may have ultimately brought you the greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us just where we need to be—fully committed and in the present moment.

Friendship

Yes, Vanessa's out of the hospital. We're all grateful for that. As a voyeur of life, I sit back and watch her true friends kick into gear. It was absolutely, and still is, amazing.

A friend, in my way of thinking, enters your life for a season. Maybe 1 season, two, or 100. It just depends on how long it takes for the lesson to be learned.

Yesterday, I said good-bye to 1 of my friends. It nearly broke my heart. Upon leaving, he gave me his prize possession. A book. Not just a book, but a book entitled, 'The Prophet.' In one of its chapters, it talks about Friendship. He told me to read it when I got home. He had marked the page for me. I want to quote from this book...

'And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship. And he answered, saying: Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And, he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind and you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth;
and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know about its flood also,
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and its refreshment.'

Not only did I learn something, from this, about frienships, but relationships as well. I just wanted to give the readers of this something to ponder. And with this, I say good night...

Surgery?

Well, here we all sit in Room 1022 at Northwestern Memorial Hospital with Vanessa. We, meaning Steve, Daniel, Judith, and myself. Vanessa went into surgery this morning and Steve and I remained all day long in the waiting room. After a couple of check ins with us, finally they came and got us to see our girl after they had tried to put her back together again. The doctor told us the surgery was a success!

Here, hours later, we are all being threatened with being thrown out of the hospital. It's like sitting around her table. Nothing is sacred, nothing is left to sit on the burner. This started just as soon as Vanessa's being wheeled into surgery. The party was on!

Slowly, 1 by 1, people started leaving. Finally it was just the 2 of us. And we were still having fun. Finally, my pills kicked in and I was going down for the count. But, our reining star couldn't go to sleep to save her life.

I heard, the next morning, even before my 1st cup of coffee, that around 3 am, Vanessa's wide awake and a green fog drifted into the room. She's looking around trying to figure out where it was coming from, hiding her head under her gown, and trying her best to keep down the broth they gave her for dinner.

There I was, sleeping like an angel, with my ass pointing in her direction. That's where the "silent but deadly" stench was coming from.

Poor Vanessa, trapped in her bed, hooked up to everything but the kitchen sink, unable to make a run for it. She's gasping for her life, and it wouldn't go away. The air in the room was so stagnate and not willing to move, the fog just hung like a duck in the window of a Chinese restaurant.

Vanessa gasping for air, can't find the button for the nurse, but what's she gonna say to her when she does finally come into the room. 'Get that man out of here!' They came in here this morning asking her if she had passed gas yet. Silence grabbed the room by the throat, just like it did last night.

All in all, Vanessa is on the mend. She's causing trouble like normal. This morning, she got us yelled at for leaving the floor to go outside to smoke a cigarette. Boy, that nurse was mad!

Well, Steve just walked in to relieve me for the day so I can go home and face what is there for me. Dog, cats, a messy house, Jasmine, with her 2 sons from out of town, and my new BF, John-Michael. I'll talk about him a little more in detail later on. He is the newest member to sit around Vanessa's Kitchen Table.

So, with these finally words of wisdom, I'll bid you adieu, "If it looks green and smells like shit, it probably is!"

Cork Trees?

Who ever heard of such a thing.

When I moved up here to Chicago, I was a snob. A wine snob. By smelling the cork, I could tell you where in the world this bottle came from. Whether it was the Napa Valley, France, or even Texas, yes we made wine in Texas, I could tell. I only drank vine from a bottle with a cork in it. And sometimes when the smell of that cork didn't stand up to what I thought was acceptable, I'd send it back. Dining out with me was probably a trip! Never a screw top, or heaven forbid, a box!

Well, my 2 best friends, downstairs, Vanessa and Jasmine, have me drinking wine from a box. I was horrified at 1st, but when in Rome...This has been going on for some time now. Oh, how I miss the smell of a cork. But, as it remains, Bear drinks wine from a box. My snob friends in Dallas would be equally horrified if they knew. Now that its come to be passe' with me, I could care less what people think. But, still I yearn for that cork!

So, V and I are sitting around her table, one afternoon, I got "full" on wine, and the subject of me being a wine snob came up. I knew it would eventually. She tried to explain to me how the cork trees were being wiped out and cork was at an all time shortage, that's why they were coming in boxes now. (My memory of the conversation may be in question here, because I don't really remember leaving her house. Don't quote me! LOL) WHAT??? CORK TREES??? But, being the southern gentleman I am, I said not a word.

The guy I started talking about, a couple of days ago and said we were not dating, well today was our 3rd date. We are now dating. Yes, I said it, Daddy or Sir Bear has a boyfriend. Are ya' happy now? 'Cause I sure am. Anyway, I digress..

On our 2nd date, I found myself over at his house. He had ordered pizza before I arrived, and 15 minutes after I had walked through his front door, it was there. He left me in the kitchen to do the honors of uncorking the bottle. A beautiful bottle of red wine, California, was laid out before me with a cork screw that looked like it came over on the Mayflower. (I found out this morning, it was his grand father's. Totally acceptable!) I thought, #1, I'll never get this out of the bottle, or I will use my strength, and with all my might, not only will that cork come out, but he'll walk back into the kitchen with all of his cabinets re-painted red along with my t-shirt and jeans. What an impression that would make, huh???

Here's the time to make my impression. With one big pull, a little twist, and POP!, out it came. No pieces of cork in the bottle, the whole ball of wax came out. While patting myself on the back, he returns to the kitchen with pizza. I take one look at him, remember the story Lady V had told me, and I just couldn't help myself. I started laughing, he wanted to know why, and then the story came pouring out. We both chuckled quite a bit. Vanessa, we weren't making fun of you, but it sure was the "ice breaker" I was looking for. I was quite nervous up until that very moment.

John-Michael has got to be one of the smartest men I have ever dated. I'm a little intimidated, but why should I be, I'm no slouch myself. So, being smart and constantly thirsty for knowledge, JM sets out on a quest to find the mysterious "cork trees!" And, I'll be damned, he found them. They're in Portugal and called cork oak trees. A forest of them.

'Seems, that in the 1974 revolution in Portugal, the cork trees fell into the extreme leftist hands and the damage was quite extent. After the Portugal territory was return to its rightful owners, it took 2 harvests,16 to 20 years, to return them to their wondrous state.

To harvest, these natural wonders, you have to carefully carve the bark from the tree leaving the protective membrane in tact. This is what gives the tree its nourishment. The world record was set in 1889, by a cork oak tree in Portugal, which yielded no less than 3,870 lbs. of cork in one stripping. That's just 1 tree. Can you imagine how much cork can be had from a forest of these beauties?

So now, let's all raise our glasses to Vanessa. May it be from a box, a gallon jug, or a corked bottle, long may her cork trees wave. And, we are better because of it!

Summer Moved On

I was standing on our back deck, yesterday, watching the rain pour down, all day long. It was a cold rain at that. I also noticed that the leaves of the vine growing up the side of the building next door was starting to turn colors. I was depressed at the sight. Usually, I love this time of year. But, sadly, this time I'm not looking forward to it. Maybe it was because this past winter was so brutal and lasted so long. Maybe it's that I'm not smoking. Just maybe. But, this morose feeling fell on top of me like a bloulder. I should be whistling, seeing that I started dating someone new. Well, I wouldn't say dating. We've seen each other twice. I wouldn't call that dating, yet. But, I sure am interested in him. So, why the sad feeling. This is what it was like...

Summer moved on, and the way it goes, you can't tag along.
My soul moved out and the way it went, leaves no doubt.
Moments will pass in the morning light.
I found out, Seasons drift past, and there's just one thing left to ask...

Stay? Don't just walk away and leave me another day.
Day, just like today, with nobody else around.

Friendships move on until the day you can't get along.
Had a change on the phone, and the way it goes no one knows.
Moments will pass in the morning light.
I found out, Seasons can't last.
So, there's just one thing left to ask...

Stay? Don't just walk away and leave me another day.
Day just like today.
Stay? Don't just walk away, with nobody else around!

A morning walked on the beach,
Busy with dogs driven to chase.
Now, a north wind blows in its place.
Seasons can't last, so there's just one thing to ask...

Stay? Don't just walk away, and leave me another day.
Day just like today.
Stay? Don't just walk away, with nobody else around.

My soul not to be heard from again until the day.
Day that the breeze is wam and the trees obey.
Until that day, one thing left to ask...

Stay? Don't just walk away, and leave me another day.
Day just like today.
Stay? Don't just walk away, with nobody else around!

Seasons can't last and there's just one thing ask...

Stay? Don't just walk away, and leave me another day.
Day just like today.
Stay? Don't just walk away, with nobody else around.

Summer moved on!

AhHa/Bear

HIV and WALAMELON?

Here's something to chew on. Around Vanessa's table, there's always food to eat. Just about anything you want, you can get. If your hungry, go to Vanessa's house where she's always ready to feed your face until you just about pop!

It's no secret to anyone, because I always "out" it, I have HIV. My mom freaked out when she saw that my 4 month old niece was sucking on my finger. We, who are educated, know that you can't catch it that that way. Nothing against my mom, she just did not know any better! Hopefully she's done some research on her computer, instead of just goofing off. But, again, I love it when she goofs off! I usually get a laugh out of it!

Well, around the "table," as I said, there's food, something to drink, and oh, did I mention food? We eat after each other. We use one another's eating utensils. My point is, people eat after me, eat with my fork, drink out of my glass, and not a soul is worried about catching HIV. They know better. Most of them are in the health care profession, and they know. It used to freak me out, but now it makes me feel warm inside. These people are my family and they know I wouldn't do anything that would put their lives in danger. It seems like this weekend, we've done nothing but eat! But I digress...

Vanessa was on the bus a couple of days ago and, I assume, 3 woman of colour got onto the bus after her. The youngest was a little girl. She was being taught how a young lady crosses her legs avoiding having people looking up her dress. Well, this little child was worried that he "walamelon," as she called it, would get loose. And it did, slamming to the front of the bus.

Okay, Vanessa is a woman of colour too. She, like the rest of the well educated world, can not stand the way people talk in their slang. White people that that talk like trailer trash makes me cringe. But I have a lot of black friends, educated black friends, and when they hear their own race speak in, what they call, "getto slang," it just goes right thru them. Vanessa's not alone in this feeling.

She's telling the "table" about her experience on the bus with the watermelon! We were laughing so hard, I peed on myself, Jasmine was crying, and Vanessa was disgusted. I swear, some of the things we talk about, will curl your hair. You must be thick skinned around us because your feelings will get hurt! I pray I haven't hurt her in writing this, but it was just too funny! We're still talking about it, and its still freaking funny! To hear Vanessa going on and on about a loose "walamelon" on the bus, my Goddess, I'm crying now!